May 20, 2016

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I mean I am pregnant. Shoot, I wouldn’t want to be there anyway so I should just let him have his fun, right? I mean what can I possibly do there with a belly like mine? I just don’t belong with them anymore. Let me just hang up this thought right along with ever being able to cheerlead again. Hey, I did it to myself.  I passed up offers all through my high school career just to wait for this moment during my senior year. I should’ve just went that time during my sophomore year. Girl, what about that time during junior? Dang Meisha. I should’ve…. No. No. No. It’s not that I should’ve taken advantage of earlier offers. I should’ve have been more safe. Yes, that’s it. Bottom line is, I shouldn’t have ever had those type of relations at all. Way to go, Meisha. Are you happy that you get to stay home tonight while your boyfriend and father of your child takes someone else to prom? – someone that is not you.

 

As time passed, I believed less and less in the motto that, “everything gets better in time.” The feeling of seclusion was evermore present today. Here I was sitting on the couch during My senior prom night. My mom along with my siblings had encouraged me to go weeks prior to today. As I sat on the couch, I reflected back to how handsome my brother had looked on his prom day and how gorgeous my sister had been on hers. They had both been so full of joy on their prom nights. I admit that I had played around with the idea of getting dolled up to go to prom, but every time I thought about going, I looked at my stomach and just crossed out the thought. The student in me had wanted to go celebrate with the rest of my class. However, the embarrassment of being a pregnant teenager amongst a crowd of dancing peers prevented me from pursuing the idea.

 

Okay… so maybe I am leaving out an essential piece of information. You see, I had grown to accept the fact that I was an expecting mom. Though I still felt awkward walking the high school halls or cringed at the disappointing stares from teachers, I started to learn how to ignore outsiders’ opinions or thoughts. It was the fact that I wasn’t even asked to go to prom that bothered me. I didn’t even have the opportunity to say no. There had been a time when I was asked left and right to accompany this person or that person to prom. Now, not even a single soul wanted to take me. Perhaps what hurt worse is the call….

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“Hey. I miss you. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. It’s just a lot, you know? You’re at a different high school. I have friends but gosh… I feel like I’m alone in this. You don’t get the stares…” ( I know I rambled on for more than 15 minutes with no pauses)

“Meisha, you have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. You know who is there for you.”

 

(smiles)

No matter what, comforting words like that always brought me back to focus. Though certain family members (which hurt the most), friends, and teachers grew distant due to my situation (as if it were contagious), I still had love.  I did have my mom. I did have my true friends. Though I wish I would’ve waited, I was going to have a baby to love me unconditionally. I had my siblings who were still cheering me on. To add the cherry on top, together or not, I felt that I would always have the support of my child’s father.

 

“.. but by the way Meisha..”

 

No. Please don’t ruin this moment. Not now. Not when I feel a moment of content and joy. I’m emotionally not prepared for another blow.

 

“ Yes?”

 

“ I know you wouldn’t want to go because of the way you talk, so I’m going to just go to the prom with (x-name) if that’s cool with you. I won’t go if you don’t want me to. I will sit at your house…”

 

Click.

 

Enough was enough. It was yet another lie. We both were expecting parents but somehow only my life seemed to stop. Miraculously, he still had the privilege to live freely while I was managing to try to do things like simply stay awake in class. I wasn’t prepared for everything that came with pregnancy, I know. However, no one could’ve prepped me for the emotional turmoil. It’s not just that he was going to prom. It was the fact that he prefaced the conversation with his plans and didn’t ask me if I even cared to go. It was an insult to my intelligence for him to think that asking me if I wanted him to stay home with me was a true inquiry.  He just wanted to be able to say that “hey, I did ask.”

 

I wish I could say this was the night that I realized that things wouldn’t be all rainbows and butterflies with this pregnancy but it wasn’t. I saw pictures of prom posted the next day. Boy was that like pouring salt on an open wound. I couldn’t help but cry or fantasize what my senior year could be like without being pregnant. Still, some part of me didn’t want to lose faith. It’s not that I believed him, but I didn’t want to be even more of a statistic. I am already a female minority from a low income family. I was already having a baby young.  I refused to add “single mom” to my resume too…