April 04, 2016

 

 

 

 

Come out. Come out wherever you are. No, seriously Santana, you are allowed to make your grand entrance at any time now. Mommy is hot, uncomfortable, over-weight and did I mention UNCOMFORTABLE? I can’t see past my belly when I look down, son. I wonder if I even have toes down there anymore. I haven’t seen them for weeks. Tying my own shoes has been out of the question for the longest of time, too. Whoever would have thought that I’d seriously find myself crying over not being able to tie my own shoes? I’m pretty sure my back and ankles are going to crack at any second from the pressure of my weight gain. I can’t stay awake in class and I can’t go more than ten steps without feeling like I need to catch my breath. I tried to get some exercise in for you Santana, but even playing the Wii was a failed attempt. What is it like in there? By the force and frequency in your kicks and punches, my guess is that you’re having as hard of a time as I am. I try to play you music to calm you down, but it only makes you more active. I think I may have a little dancer or musician on my hands. It’s been a long 9 months for you and me. I can’t believe I am going to meet you soon. I feel like I already know you. I’ve talked to you and told you that I fear not being a good mommy. At the doctors’ appointments with just you and me, I read the pamphlets out loud so that you can listen to mommy trying to prepare herself. When you kick, I make sure I rub that area just so you know that mommy will always be right where you need me. I can’t say that I am not still scared, but it’s different now. I’m not scared of what the world will think of us. I’m scared that I won’t be the mommy you deserve. However, you’re outgrowing my body as your home and mommy doesn’t know how much more she can physically endure. I’m ready.

 

“You are not dilated quite enough for a baby yet, Tal’Meisha. Trust me. I understand you want to have this baby before your high school graduation. You have made it known. As your doctor, I want to help in every way that I can but we can only wait at this point. He will be here in his own perfect timing,” my doctor chimed. I really didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I need Santana to be here earlier than June 8th but later than my presentation day. My graduation is on June 11th. I worked hard to remain an A student this school year. I’m even graduating Cum Laude with honors at the top of my graduating class. Santana and I both did it together. He is my new motivation. There’s no way he’s going to miss being in the audience as I walk the stage. Mark my words.

 

What is this weird feeling? Why do I constantly feel the urge to use the bathroom? Why can’t I control this urge? More importantly, why is this happening on the day I have to present my senior project? Okay Meisha, just calm down. Pull it together. Remember what you learned in child birth class. If it was your water breaking, then it would flow out all at once…right? It can’t be that. You can miss any school day BUT today. If you don’t present your senior exit project to the specially elected board, then you will have to present it to them over the summer. The school explicitly stated that there are no exceptions to the rule. You know what that means? You will not be able to graduate on time if you miss today. You’re a tough girl. Presentations begin right after the school day ends. When your presentation is over with, you can go to the hospital to see what’s going on.

 

I did just that. I could not explain why I felt the uncontrollable urge to use the restroom. It reminded me of a kitchen sink that still leaked when you turned it off. I did the best thing I could think of to do. I grabbed a feminine product to wear, packed extra in my backpack, and got dressed for school. Something told me that this was abnormal, but as long as my water wasn’t breaking I felt content with finishing out the school day.

 

When I arrived at school, I felt myself growing more and more uncomfortable. My stomach tightened as I walked to my first period class. Even so, I kept a smile on my face as I weaved in out of the crowds of students. Following the ringing of the bell, the teacher proceeded to begin his lesson for the day as usual. However, the urge to use the restroom bubbled up in me once again. My hand shot up as I requested to be excused. Cognizant of my situation, he allowed me to go to the restroom with no question. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes when I reached the stall. I didn’t know what was going on and I did not want to miss presentations later. Surprisingly, the tears formed but never fell. A sudden surge of strength flowed through me. There was no one present to hold my hand or tell me that everything was going to be okay. Instead a voice in my head scolded me for being sorrowful and encouraged me to pull myself together. I listened to the voice. I changed feminine products and picked my head up. Poor Mr. Larkin. I repeated this routine of running to the restroom about seven more times before he pulled me off to the side and pleaded for me to visit the nurse. I tried to argue that I was fine but to appease him, I hesitantly walked to the nurse’s office.

 

“Tal’Meisha, I have called and reached out to your mom. We both think that it is in your best interest to go to the doctor if you are feeling uncomfortable. I know you are worried about graduating on time but we have to make sure you are okay too. What’s going on? How do you feel?”

 

“I feel completely fine (Lie number one). I only came here so Mr. Larkin would leave me alone honestly”

 

“Tell me more about the restroom visits. How many times have you been this morning?”

“I’ve only been twice. I don’t think anyone should worry. (Lie number two)”

 

“Okay. Do you feel like it is uncontrollable?”

 

“I really do appreciate your concern. I appreciate my mom’s concern. I’m okay though. It is very controllable (Lie number three). I would really just like to present my senior exit project and then I promise I will go to the doctor. If I truly start to feel really bad in the meantime, I will call my mom to leave as necessary”

 

“Please do. You are a smart young lady. You are a fighter. I’ve watched you work harder than some of your classmates even with child. Do not be ashamed to take a step back. If it gets to the point where you are feeling like you can’t control your bathroom flow please come back to see me. Sometimes your water can break slowly.”

“Huh? Slowly?”

 

“Yes, did your doctor not tell you? Instead of one huge gush, you may encounter slow leaks throughout the day. It is very important…”

 

I drifted off into my own thoughts. Slow leaks? Was my water breaking on presentation day? I had no idea about this. I did not read this in any of my “mommy books”. What do I do now? God please. You know my heart. If I need to leave for my child and graduate later, I will. However, if I can just push through until the end of the day and keep changing feminine products until then, please allow me to do so. I want Santana to see me graduate. We have come so far. Please let me be an example for him. So many people have doubted us both. I’m beginning to doubt myself. I need this day to prove to myself that I am stronger than any stereotype. More importantly, this little boy of mine needs a strong mom. Please? God?